Merry Pandemic Christmas…Oh and Hallmark… Screw You

I hate to be a Scrooge here, and really I am not, but I just have to say that the only thing worse than being a jew on Christmas is being a Jew during Pandemic Christmas. That kind of sounds like a title for a country song. “It’s hard to be a Pandemic Jew On Christmas.” It has a nice ring to it. Except for one thing…I am pretty sure there are no Jewish people in Country Music. Okay now I have to go look. I will be right back.

Yep I was right…only thing I could find was a little article about Gwyneth Paltrow in Country strong and I refuse to acknowledge Gwyneth Paltrow as a singer, a jewess, a fashionista, someone who is sometimes from England even though she was not born there but from time to time talks in an English accent, and a Vagina scented candle inventor. She gets actress and that is all. That is all I acknowledge her for because frankly Gwynnie and all her endeavors annoy me to no end so she gets no more of my blog time…but I digress.

Nobody want to smell Your Vagina Gwynnie

Back to my Pamdemic Jewiness. You see I have no problem quarantining at home, as a matter of fact I find it quite fabulous. I enjoy coming home from walking my dog and disrobing in the doorway and leaving my clothes in a pile by the door, I enjoy doing my Wii Fit workout in Granny panties and a poncho if I so desire, I enjoy singing anything from Springsteen to Broadway Musicals at the top of my lungs and not being told I suck (well still working on that…I do have a neighbor who shouts things like “you suck” and come to think of it “Put on some pants lady” from his window…though I have not quite figured out how he knows I am not wearing pants all the way from his house…and I am going to choose not to go there). But my point is…I have been having fun being “Safer at home”…except on Christmas.

I blame Hallmark

They are all so Perly and Meet Cutey

…and the movie Love Actually

Just as an FYI this man does not exist

You may wonder what Hallmark and Love Actually have in common…but have no fear…I will draw you a little map. You see it is quite simple really…tonight on Christmas Eve I had a lovely zoom dinner where I looked totally fabulous from the shoulders up, with my equally quarantined Lover (I like to call him my Lover because it makes me sound way more writerish. Also he is not my boyfriend per say yet we do have delightful sleepovers and I love him so I feel I can get away with this somewhat pretentious title for him). He is in London and so we are stuck on different continents for the forseeable future. I was looking quite forward to wrapping up my Zoom…dropping trou …putting on the Granny Panties and poncho and watching sappy Hallmark movies on my couch…and let me just say the sappy Hallmark movies do not get to me…I am stronger than that…but that would be a lie. All those chalets, meet cutes, ice skating with cocoa, snowball fights, &romantic scenes of warm romantic christmas moments…ugh…and then to top it off I noticed the movie “Love Actually” was on…I love that movie…and it came to that pivotal scene at the Christmas Concert where everybody realized they were in love with each other….

I wanted to post that scene but with the new stimulus package I hear they are cracking down on streaming and frankly the only thing that would make this christmas worse would be if I were dragged off to the slammer in my granny panties and poncho.

Well it was just as that scene ended and I was blubbering away like a little girl, that my phone rang. It was my friend Emily who was having her annual Christmas Eve bash..this year of course on Zoom. I had RSVP’d to but was going to conveniently say “I got food poisoning” when she called to ask why I never made it….well Emily knows me well. And she caught me right after that vulnerable “Love Actually” moment so when she said to me…”I know you are home watching sappy movies…get off the couch and log into my Zoom Party…we’re having fun…and take off the poncho and put on some makeup…there is someone “We” want you to meet. I say “We” because Em got married a few years ago and from the second she said “I Do” she never again uttered the work “I,” it just seemed to dissappear from her vocabulary. But Emily is a good egg and I like her hubby well enough…and I was feeling vulnerable. So I slapped on some makeup and something glittery (from the waist up…I was full on Sccoby Doo Pajamas from the waist down)and I went.

When I googled no pants at a Zoom meeting this was the first thing that popped up…it is comforting to know that there is always someone who has a more embarrassing story than you

OY VEY

I say Oy Vey because I was the victim tonight of the well intentioned surprise attack …

Holiday Fix Up

You know the ones where your married friends who want everybody to be couples drag the bottom of the fish tank to find the barnacle…who is your companion for the evening. In my case I got Sheldon. Sheldon who was in the jewish fraternity with her husband back in college. Sheldon who though jewish…very jewish…could not be more jewish if he tried decided to wear a light up christmas theme sweater tonight complete with falling snow…which was not so much snow but actually dandruff flakes falling in a lovely snowy pattern onto his shoulders and creating a Snowy special effect in his zoom window. They immediately sent us off alone into a breakout room. At which point Sheldon changed his zoom background to what he thought was sexy.

What exactly was he trying to say to me here?

Sheldon who having been given my bio before the soiree said to me at the very beginning “So I hear you did a stint as a standing up comedian…here’s a joke for ya,” and proceeded to tell me really dirty and or rascist bad bad jokes…He also laughed at his own jokes and when he did the dandruff went a flying. My only reprieve from the jokes was when he decided to tell me anecdotes about his lovely career as a funeral consultant. How can that not get me all hot and bothered? I especially loved the one about how he dropped out of “Mort School” because everybody there was so “stiff” Oh yeah that Sheldon was a card. He also got progressively drunker throughout the Zoom…and the more drunk he got the redder and sweatier and hornier he got. As the evening wore on he somehow managed to find a way to refer to my boobs followed by an eyebrow wiggle every chance he got…He had a whole cornucopia of drinks and snacks available to him and every time reached for a drink, a napkin, or a snack he tried to look all sexypants.

Okay this is not him. I wish he looked this good. Imagine this guy with dandruff and a snotty nose

His grand finale was when he pulled out his accordian and sang me his originally composition “I am Giving you a Tittie Twister for Christmas.”

At Which point “My Internet Went Down.”

I had to immediately erase Sheldon from my mind…so I tried to imagine…

RYAN PHILLIPPE CLAUS AND HIS YUMMY SANTA BELLY. I WOULD BE A HO HO HO WITH HIM

WHAT IS UNDER THOSE COVERS MR. ASHTON KUTCHER CLAUS?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL CLAUSE IS A NAUGHTY SANTA

JOE MANAGIELLO CLAUS CAN RIDE MY SLEIGH

AND OF COURSE

MR. GEORGE CLOONEY CLAUS

Then I decided no Good could come out of watching Hallmark Christmas Movies so instead I switched to “Midnight Sky,” a post apocalyptic movie about a terminally ill man stranded alone in Antartica…Directed by and starring…that is right Mr. George Clooney. Who by the way…even post nuclear war, frozen and dying…is still way hotter than Sheldon.

Now that is a sexy zoom background

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT (EXCEPT SHELDON…BLECH)

If you have enjoyed Marcie Smolin please follow clap for this story by clicking on the green hands, then follow her on Medium…and instagram…and well…anywhere on the internet. Just don’t follow her home because that is creepy