Do you Like Pine Sol Coladas…Getting Caught In The Rain…

Mmm Pine Sol Shaken Not Stirred!

So on Saturday afternoon I accidentally drank Pine Sol. Don’t panic it was not some sort of cry for attention….I am emotionally healthy…physically healthy…mentally healthy….and also a bit of a dumbass. I was rushing in from work and had a bit of time before I had to turn around and get ready for a dinner party…so I was trying to multitask by mopping the floor while returning work calls and I got a bit thirsty and grabbed a Vitamin Water that I thought was behind me and took a big swig..

This is how I would like you all to imagine me while I am drinking Vitamin Water as I drink it with the promise that one day I shall wake up and have this ass…simply because I drank Vitamin Water

Only it was not Vitamin Water…it was Pine Sol. Of course I immediately spat it out, projectile vomited, disposed of the rest of the Pine Sol while yelling at it, and called Poison Control.

Pine Sol is not necessarily Hallucinogenic but in this case…I went there. It may have been all in my mind. Also when I imagine myself as Pine Sol I am topless…I might have to examine that.

Dave from Poison Control was very nice. After asking me to describe my “Vomitous,”

I might have warmed up to him more had he not called it Vomitous. How about giving it a cute name like “Oopsy”

…and then telling me FYI you are not supposed to vomit after drinking Pine Sol as it can Burn you all over again, he did a lot of typing on his end (which wasn’t all that reassuring as I was pretty sure he was just looking at Web MD which I could have done, which I do nearly every night, as a matter of fact when I sign in to Web MD now a little pop up comes up that says “Hi Marcie you neurotic jew…what are you obssessing about tonight).

Oh HiWeb MD…What are you up to tonight? I missed you!

But anyhoo there was something about Dave that I trusted. He had a nice voice, he let me panic and he listened, and when he said things like…

“odd colored sputum,” “uncontrollable vomitous” and “examine your stool for blood tonight,” I felt he was really crushing on me.

Like at that moment I was the most important person in Dave’s life…and when he told me “you might want to go ahead and gargle with a tablespoon of Coconut Oil I was sure that was Dave’s little way of letting me know I was special…and different than any of the other neurotics who had called Poison Control at 6:00 p.m. on a Saturday.

This is how I pictured Dave all through our conversation…

Or Hi Mr. Dr. George Clooney

This is the actual Dave who later that evening sent me a Facebook Friend request saying “You were so Kicky and Feisty on the phone I thought I would look you up. Call me if you ever need mouth to mouth”

Okay well this is technically a stock photo. I wouldn’t post the actual guy as thought would be mean. Plus he has access to my webmd call logs…he could harm me.

Yummy

So clearly I did not die. I did however sit on the couch for the next hour deciding if in case I did pass out from the Pine Sol if I should make some calls…you know just to sort of say Goodbye…but then I thought it was much more important that I change into a better outfit because if I were going to be found in the throes of Pine Sol poisoning I should probably change out of the pre getting dressed for the dinner party I was going to old boyfriend flannel shirt and Wonder Woman Underpants.

After much deliberation I decided on a nice pair of Capris (there must be pants involved because if they are carrying you out on a stretcher you do not want your neighbors to see your Vajayjay…well really I never want my neighbors to see my Vajayjay…but that is just me), a flowy shirt with buttons (so they don’t have to cut it off like they always do on the Medical shows)…in my Pine Sol Poisoning panic I did not want to choose a shirt they could ruin, my one pair of Louboutins as I may be on a stretcher so the red soles would really show, and of course nice underpants. This took a lot of deliberation because of course in my Pine Sol Poisoning the paramedic who came to save me looked like this….

It’s my poisoning I get to choose my Pine Sol Paramedic

Hey it was my Pine Sol Poisoning and if I was getting mouth to mouth I wanted it to be from him.

So clearly I did not die from Pine Sol Poisoning. I did lose some tastebuds temporarily, have a little nausea, and later that night when I made a tinkle it smelled like my Dentist’s Office…but other than that l lived…to go to the dinner party.

The dinner party itself was interesting as it was thrown by some Russian friends of mine and I had been informed to be prepared for “Russian Dinner,” so I was a little curious. I had called the hostess to tell her I might be a few minutes late and explained the Pine Sol incident…so when I arrived the host greeted me at the door with a bottle of Vodka and said “I hear you drank something bad…in Russia we feel that Vodka will clean anything bad from your insides.” Well I am not a big drinker…but I am a big hypochondriac…and feeling a little vulnerable I believed him…that was the first of many shots of Vodka that night. I say this with all awe and admiration…my Russian friends know how to party.

After 5 shots everybody wears Russian Hats! It is the law.

We sat down to a table full of exotic foods I had never seen before. I was afraid not only of the food but of the sheer volume of food. I,being a career dieter, just did not know what to do in this situation. I did not want to insult my hosts…they had worked so hard…but that was a lot of food…I happened to be sitting next to my hostess. She is a beautiful and very slim woman. How did she eat this food and look like that. She saw me looking at her and smiled and as if she read my mind she said to me “I just take a little taste of everything…do you want me to make your plate for you?” I nodded like a child and let her serve me. She did indeed put tiny tastes on my plate…and I got to experience all these new flavors and not feel gross. It was awesome. The courses kept coming and I just took tiny tastes…and while all the men at the table were patting their tummies and groaning…my hostess and I smiled and felt a little smug in our tiny taste secret.

I chose to ignore the fact that she was wearing a weird bracelet that seemed to make an electric shock sound and her husband may or may not have been holding a remote control.

This was on the fridge….should I have worried?

So the moral of this story is if you are cleaning your house while drinking vitamin water you may lose some taste buds and get a naughty Facebook message from the man of your nightmares…or you may be rescued by a hot paramedic who gives you mouth to mouth…it depends if you are a glass half empty or a glass half full type of person. But I do recommend just eating small tastes when you go to parties just in case you are getting mouth-to-mouth from a hot paramedic…you want to look good.

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