Ambien…a Love Story For the 2000's
You Can’t Say I Love You Via Text And Then Take it Back…Because The Iphone Does Not Have An App For That
The other night I was happily sleeping away when at about 3:30 a.m. I received a text from someone formerly in my life, who may or may not have broken my heart and if not my heart…well my spirit, and who for the purposes of this story and to protect his identity (though I actually fully have his permission to use this story) I will rename Douchebagerella.
The message simply said….
Now I’m not going to lie, when I saw that text my heart skipped a beat for a moment, as there was a time when I very much wanted to get a text like that from this person. That time would have had to have been before he totally pursued me though I was not at first interested, wined me and dined me on our first date with both glamour and proclamations of stirring feelings, then waited a really long time to call me for the second date so that by the time he did call my self esteem was teetering…and on our second date was a little aloof thus making me a little to eager to please (more “eager” than I normally would be on a second date) thus starting a pattern that went on for longer than I am proud of until one day…
A mutual friend who had no idea we were dating in casual conversation said to me “Hey I saw on Facebook that you’re friends with Douchebagerella. How do you know him? My friend is dating him and he seems like a great guy. Do you think he is good boyfriend material?” Well I was not sure how to answer that being that I was under the impression he was sort of kind of my boyfriendish. So I honestly said to her “I don’t really know him that well.” Coincidentally it was about that time that he just went away. No explanations…and frankly I was relieved. He went away until last night when I got the I love you text. Now I thought clearly that text was not for me so I answered…
But then he replied…
Well if this is still Marcie’s # then I meant it 4 U
To Which I replied
To Which He Replied
I have not. I have not actually had any alcohol tonight. I went to a dinner party and they were not even serving alcohol. Weird party BTW. They served brownies before dinner…they were delicious. I had two. I am happy. I love you Marcie. You’re the one that got away. I can’t stop thinking about you tonight.
Ahhhh brownies. It all became very clear to me that he had been served “Magic Brownies,” you know….”space cakes,” “Weed Sweeties,” “Cosmic treat,” okay fine if you still don’t get it…the guy had been served pot brownies and did not know it.
I know how problematic this can be as it happened to me once. I have never really been a pot smoker based upon the fact that the first time I smoked I thought I forgot how to breathe and took myself to the emergency room where I was informed in medical terms that if I had not been breathing in the two hours since I had smoked I would indeed be dead which I was not, the second time I rationally thought the moon was following me, and the third time I thought it was okay to crawl onstage at a concert and become part of the band and when I was asked to leave I cried hysterically then thought I could not breathe and that the moon was following me. I also thought for a few moments on that stage that I was a really good singer…
In recent years someone served me a magic brownie and did not tell me (which is really a horrible thing to do), and I learned that those edibles make you much higher than smoking…
That night I also learned that is is not okay to storm into the mens room of a restaurant and yell to the men at the urinal “Okay boys put those guns away…especially you teeny wienie…Mama’s gotta tinkle.”
I also learned that night that nobody wants to see a middle aged gal in spanx trying to get people to do The Lambada with her at a bus stop. Also at the very end of that incident I cried and thought I could not breathe and that the moon was following me.
So yeah I avoid edibles.It is best for all concerned. Keeping that in mind I had a little sympathy for Douchbagerella as he clearly was unintentionally stoned.
Just when I was about to tease him about accidentally ingesting pot Brownies he surprised me by texting…
“Yeah So I got all excited because I thought they were pot brownies and that would have been awesome…but they were just regular Brownies so I got all pissed and the sugar kept me up so when I got home I couldn’t sleep so I took an Ambien! But I still can’t sleep.”
I may have had a momentary twinge of sympathy but it passed as he was after all….DOUCHEBAGERELLA….so I decided to make this text one that when he found it after sleeping off his Ambien he most probably would regret. As I know that if one takes and Ambien and then doesnot go to sleep…well it makes one do crazy things that they do not remember.
So I texted
Why do you love me?
To Which He Replied
I am so glad you asked that Miss Smolin. LOL.
May I just interject that I hate the self LOL. Do not end your sentence with a LOL because it if you are saying “Okay here in the sentence is the point where I am going to tell me you that you should think I am funny. I have never met a self LOL that I liked.
He contined his text with the following
And there it was…the perfect opportunity to mess with him. Because all Douchbagerella’s get their day. Right there…presented to me on a silver platter. I jumped on it.
So I simply replied
Okay.
To which he replied
You’ll go to Vegas and Marry me right now? This is great! Let’s do it now. I am psyched! I am marrying Marcie Smolin today in Vegas! Best day ever ever ever (oy with the ever’s).
Oh wait it gets better because I replied
Tell you what you get some sleep. Set your alarm for 7:30 a.m. and in the little alarm not section write “Marrying Marcie Smolin in Vegas. She is on your front porch right now packed and ready to go.
To Which he Replied
Okay I did it. See you in the morning.
At which point I am sure he slept the sleep of the dead which…which I did the one time I took an Ambien. It is also and erasey sleep as I certainly do not remember anything I did on my Ambien night. including the Ambien fueled attempted bootie call to my really handsome optometrist…who is actually not handsome but on Ambien I clearly thought he was…also the bootie call was left on his work voicemail which I found out later he listens to on speaker phone while opening up his establishment. Had I known I may have left things out like “I wanna see your nerd balls,” and “You may have four eyes but the better to see me with,” or my personal fave “You try some stuff on me and I will tell you which is Better or Worse…Better of Worse.” I of course do not remember any of this and only know of it as he transcribed it in and email he sent to me suggesting why he thought it best if I go to another optometrist…and he included a list of names. Although he did also include his home address and a snapshot of his nerdballs…which it turns out I really did not want to see after all.
All was quiet here…I decided after that interchange to go to sleep as I was sleepy and I had a feeling the fun had just began. Now first of all you all know I never had any intentions of running off to Vegas with him…this is Douchbagerella ….ruiner of women’s hearts and stealer of their panties. You don’t marry the Doucherella. Okay now that we have that cleared up..I was happily cuddled up in my bed snoozing away when at 7:30 a.m. my phone rang. It was of course a seemingly out of breath Doucherella…He whispers into the phone.
Is this Marcie Smolin?
(Now you know a man loves you when he calls you by your first and last name formally and as if he was cold calling you to sell you toner)
To Which I Replied
Why yes it is Douchbagerella. Why pray tell are you whispering (I did not actually say pray tell…but in my memory of this incident I may give it a Shakesperian twist. Also I knew very well why he was whispering…he thought I was on his porch packed and ready to rumble. I could tell this by the panic in his voice. I was not I was home in my bed wearing my Mr. Bubble Night shirt and cuddling a chihuahua or two…although in my memory of this I will be wearing a silk Peignoir set and a boa…why not…it is my memory dammit).
To Which He Replied
So yeah long time no speak. So yeah…ummm…where are you living these days…umm….
Okay it was time to out him out of his misery…poor guy. I suppose were I really a bitch I would have been on his porch…but my bed was much more inviting…so it was at this point that I told him to check his texts and that I would hold…there was silence and then swearing and then laughter and then some more swearing…and then he just yelled WELL SHIT. Then he came back on the phone.
So I guess you’re my fiance now. Sorry about all that.
To Which I replied
No problem. But if you don’t mind I think I am going to call off our engagement now.
To Which He Replied
I am crushed. But I will try to live through the pain. Thanks for being so nice about this.
To Which I replied
I wasn’t that nice.
To Which He Replied
Well most girls would have taken advantage of the situation and gone off and married me.
Ewww. Really Douchbagerella?
So remember be careful what you text…they never really go away. Also please do not judge but I am having coffee with Douchebagerella later today. I asked him if I could write this story and he said only if I would have coffee with him. Please do not judge. I remembered something else…besides having a big personality and a huge ego….he has an even huger….
Hey I’m human!
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